| pacnxa |
[ 01.26.09 - 2:02pm] |
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ingon skoang update, 14weeks na daw ko wlay sulat2 huhuhu... isa sa cgeg kulet kay c jezel... kumbaga gamayng link lng tawon ni samoang prenship... pacnxa na jud kaau sa pag pakawalag bili... gustuhon gud unta nku magsulat kaso abtan jud ko ug kalaay... pareho karon... hehehe sunod nlng pud ko update..kini lng sa palabay lng....
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| yoohhooooo.....bagong update |
[ 10.14.08 - 6:13pm] |
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sa kadugay na na panahon kron ra jud ko kabalik ug sulat...ambot na daghan na man kau kog namiss na mga moments oi..
niagi nlng akoang bday, which is ang pinakasad nku na bday by the way... dghan unta kau kog plano ato kaso wla jud nadayon because of some other issues and things na nagpop along the way.. ai basta ayaw ko na efeel kay kapuyan nku...basta im learning!
kung wla nagmessage c jezel dli sad ko magblog kron... hehehe dghan kau jud kog moments this past few days/months na gusto nku eblog pero sa moment na nakalog on nku..kapuyan napud nuon kog sulti... tan-awon nku sa last entry nku, in between those months until now kapila ko nagtry yet i failed...karon lng jud...
hmmpppp update sa mga bagay-bagay!
faith and belief - always man jpon, strong. although sometimes naay moment na magwonder why pero at the end of the day kabalo ko na it is all in His plans.. mao go on as long as walay masagasaan...
family - murag naa na gf akoa bro...hmmppp nagkamamu jpon sa skul hapit na mahuman nun unta wala jud bagsak... c leonelyn, ambot nagcge rag tambay mao na dli ko ganahan mutabang kung unsa man... ambot! c sybil, tua cgeg overtime...dugay kau mag-uli. ambot kung asa nga overtym na sa work ba jud or sa barkada.. basta sa duha puli puli lang... akoa cousin na gipaskul hofuli maggraduate na! yepee! pero magbayad pa d i ko sa iya last nga tuition... hehehe but still hapit na jud... and lastly, wid regards to the hawsing, makalagot na kau... hahay.... moving on!
friends - hofuli magtapok2 mi sa bday ni IA sa 25..unta lang lge...puhon2 gimingaw na jud ko sa ilaha... unta complete mi... last sunday pud kay nagbonding mi akoa 2 klasmet sa elementary..nagpool mi..wla sa plano pero mas lingaw kay kalit2 lang.. isa sa ilaha kay dli jud nku kaclose sa amoa maski pa ug silingan namo..pero kato na time lingaw although aloof jud ko... =) nagbalik nasad ko ug badminton yehey! atleast malingaw napud ko!
work - grabeh mabuang ko nagcge ra mig miting..kana pa jud kalit2.. anyways, kato sa nag-all staff mi sa batangas..lingaw pud xa nakita nku ang tanang staff sa organization...pero murag akoa mga kauban mao2 ra ghapon..kac sometimes nafeel nku, na after atong wla ko kauban sa ilang relief i feel like distant na... siguro nagdrama lang ko. last week kataw-anan kau kay nagconduct among humanitarian and emergency affairs ug security and disaster training sa amoang drill sa kidnapping ako jud ang pinkaunang namatay.. bwahahaha wala kasi ko nagseryoso... nyahahaha basta nalingaw nlng man pud ko... tpos gnha, kay kron lng ko kauli gkan sa among another meeting, ug sa dihang sa among team ako ang pinakadaghan ug reactions.. basta basta nacomplicate ug pamaau ang sitwasyon... kung dli maundang ang gubot or ang abduction case sa basilan, ako pud edeploy na sa zamboanga..makalagot kaau kay naghuna huna nkog resign or shift to another post within the org pra lang dli ko mapadala sa zamboanga.. although until 2012 lang xa... i still don't know the real score! moreover going up to another level... im starting to move about the processes ug mga bagay2 about migrating to AUSTRALIA. why australia? lifestyle there is almost the same with Philippines... like kung sa ilang bukid2 ka dapita mura lang ug mga rural areas dri sa atoa.. pero kung muabot pud ka sa ilang city, bongga pud..even man pud ang 'rural' nila mura man japon ug city... the amazing opera house is also there! hehehe and most specially, gusto ko talaga makaatend sa congregation ng Hillsong! waaaahhhhh and hopefully makasulod sad ko sa WV Australia since currently sila akoa gigunitan na support office... basta akoa jud na ginaampo.. unta mao pud ang giplan ni God sakoa.. sa mga nakabalo ug mga sources to where makakita ug consultancy firm na nagaasikaso ug migration sa Australia patabang! =)
lovelife - waaattttt??? apilon jud nku ni? sa kasamaang palad uu jud...ako ra sad nitubag noh... after a whirlwind affair, karon kabalo nku (as if) ihandle ang mga butang.. period! hahaha tpos c psych nibalik napud ai oi grabeh gusto magfall balik pero dli na pwde jud... hahay... then c IT, naunsa nga nikalit ra man oi..dli man nku kaya ereciprocate and pagbati kay conflict of interest man na kung mao galing.. enjoy nlng gud..ngilngig man gud..daan pa na sa akoang feeling sa pag-assume dati.. dri lng jud ta kutob siguro..then lastly ang nag-iisang tao na naglakas loob na mangugat ug sulti...siguro atong una nanigurado lng ko kung seryoso or rebound lang..lisod nman gud kung pataka lng kog dasmag ako ra ghapon ang masakitan...nakamention pa gani xa nagtel akoa pren kung wla ba ko nahadlok mawala ka kay wala man jud naku gigunitan dayon... its because mahadlok sad ko...ug sa dihang nabz na pud ka sa work... minimal kau atoa kontak... makta pa jud sa mga pictures ang kaenjoy kauban ang mga coworkers then i realize tama jud d i ang sulti sa akoa amiga posible... and now nagmention pa jud si rose na probably makigbalik imung ex sa imuha in which mao jud akoa fear..nisamot na nuon na ipalau akoa sarili.... then ngano man nga sa dihang wala na ka diha pa nagtry ug open akoa self... damn jud kaau.. wala jud ta nag abot... wala ka kapaabot... even ako wala kapaabot sa takna nga gihatag... ang nakasakit lng kay maski wala pa sa takna, niabot pa jud ang panahon nga nag open ko... nawa nasakitan npud nuon ko... giingnan btaw naku daan akoa sarili na lisod akoa pa jud patuyangan... pwde bah maging robot nlng jud ko..huhuhuhu basta kung kasabot xa sa iyang gibuhat sa akoa dli sad ko nya masisi...
personal life - sometime torn, sometimes pud disturb, sometimes blank but i tried most of the to be happy. daghan kau ug mga butang na nagapacause ani mao everyday nagavary akoang mode... gusto ko na unta blank nlng ko meaning, gusto ko numb nlang ko arun wla jud koy mafeel... mura lang ko ug robot na nagalihok lang to whatever i am asked to... but since gihatagan man ko ug freedom and will power mao ng nagacause sakoa na nagachange jud ko every now and then... but i wish i am a bird, freely flying, gliding up the clouds when rain is pouring hard... ai basta drama ra kaau na! I'M TRYING TO BE STRONG!!!!
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| mga bagay bagay |
[ 08.21.08 - 3:48pm] |
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Avril Live @ Roxy Theatre |
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ambot gikapoy ko. hala nagcge nlng kog kapoy ani. =))
last week may brother was admitted sa hospital because he's complaining about his fever and headache. since kasali xa sa insurance ko i asked my mum na punta sila ug brokenshire clueless ano gawin, they were asked kung sino doctor. hahaha funtime wla naman kami suki na doctor oi kay dili man mi hingadto ug hospital karon. bwahahahaha anways, so mao na to, ghatagan sila ug doctor. after a day didto pa nila hibaw-an na dengue d i to. my goodness! on the second day, mao na ang grabeh, giask na akoa mama magpalit ug platelets. so meaning ana abuno na jud ug dugo... meaning astang kaon na jud sa mga bacteria sa platelets sa akoang brother. magsakit pa jud iyang tyan sa dihang makahilak jud xa sa kasakit.. ana akoa pren nga nursing ana jud daw na... waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh makalagot pa jud kay sa dihang gitransfuse na, the following hours, days dli consistent ang report sa platelet counts ang ginahatag.. ug kung naa man, astang mubua japon... waaaaahhhhhh pero ok na experience na to xa kay kagahapon, nigawas na akoang brother and daku2 pud ang amoang billing.. abot pud ug 30T... my gulay! pero unsaon man ng kwarta kung kinabuhi pud sa imung igsoon ang gisugal...
salamat jud kay God na maski pasaway ko ug daghan au kog sala na ako ra pud nakabalu pasalamat jud kog daku nga okay na akoa brother. salamat pud sa mga pipol hu comforted me and helped me and my family pray for my brother's health ug katong tao na willing magdonate unta ug dugo. very much appreciated. mwaaaaahhhhh
isang dakok na yun na bad karma sa mga bagay na aking ginagawa. ambot lng lage ug nganong patuyang ra sad ko... i can't let go nman karon oi. malingaw nlng man sad kog apil. =)) atleast i've tried it and who knows kung pwde pa jud d i... kabalo man mi na dli musugot ang kadaghanan.. ingon gani c voldemort, unsaon daw namo na 'you and me against the world' daw ang drama sa amoang . nyahahaha charing lang! naa lang man jpon ni tagal sa akong tan-aw... after the SG trip i don't know what will happen na. i don't want to compromise man gud the coming trip sa mga demands nku. maahat nasad. ang among sabot nlang gani kay enjoy lang whatever we have right now.
moreover, sa panahon pa jud nga lingaw ko muabot ang possibleng tao na gihatag sa Ginoo. pero para pud sa akoang pagsabot dili pa pud karon ang taknang panahon para entertain ang mga butang. ang ako pud sabot, kay xa murag ako sa karon. trying to reach out to the person we both longed for yet dili pa tama na panahon. mao dli sad ko padalosdalos sa mga decissions. kung kapuyon xa pinaabot meaning dili jud pwde kay sa akoang tan aw dli pa sad ko ready. dli ko gusto mabutang sa sitwasyon nga ahat pud... maglingaw lang pud gud sa panahon nga naa mi.
grabeh jud kaau bah, kay sa tanang tao na pwde jud bah ang classmate pa jud dili nlng katong una nkung giganahan. hahay... if and only if ikaw jud crush ang nag-ingon-ana i will really give up the SG trip and the attention will not be like the way it is now. hahay usab. ambot!
pero infairness ha, dugay naku wala kabati ug sadness except lang atong nagsakit akoa bro. maski walay kwarta, lingaw man japon ko.. i learned to be more understanding, hadlok jud mag-away kay lisod au. hahay... seryoso jud ba kaya ang mga bagay bagay? dli nlang sa ko mag hunahuna ug grabeh ana.. enjoy lang sa lage... hahay...
security officer: nabuang na! we're going to do a relief operation in the middle of the war sa mga MILF churva2.. as in jud! any moment now, deploy na daw kami.. magpaalam na daw kami sa mga family and friends namin..my gulay.. if u guys are watching the news.. like those brutal killings that've been happening for 2weeks na bah is so scary...and kami papasok pa talaga sa dominated areas na nila... my gulay na talaga.. first relief operation ng team nami will be Maasim, Saranggani. Hay naku! pero since papuntang manila pa ako so next batch na ako... sa zamboanga na lng siguro.. kakatakot kasi punta din ako next week dun.... pero safe naman daw sa barter part kaya ok ra mamalit! =))
cge kato lang sa.. sunod napud....
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| tagged by jezel =D |
[ 08.14.08 - 6:53pm] |
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Introvoys Greatest Hits |
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dugay nsad kaayo ko wla kablog... grabeh kabz oi.. mubasa ra unta ko sa update skoang mga prens' blogs tpos gitagged d i ko ni jezel. hehe
What I was doing 10 years ago:
- i was 16 then, so start pa ako ng college, 1st sem... kakatakot ang algebra nun.. pero ok lng pasado nman. =D
Snacks I enjoy:
- boy bawang
- mucher
- chippy red
- strawberry flavored dutchmill yogurt
- bananacue
- piknik hot
- anything that's available
Things I would do if I was a billionaire:
- obviously gimik/laag whole wide world until maubos pera ko.. libre ko pamilya't kaibigan
- before maglagalag sa mundo, nakatayo na bahay at lupain sa pinas at Australia/New Zealand pati mga kagamitan char lang!
- gadgets buying!!!!!!
- concert attendance
- donation sa lahat ng church/children based NGOs
Places I have lived:
- Natatanging sa Pinas lamang po.
- pagsisikapan pa sa Australia o New Zealand =D
People I want to know more about:
- kukunti lang naman kami dito.. since tapos na si jezel.. i'm tagging, arkhe, jigs (in bisaya of kurs), alex and val (kung nagbasa xa) and YOU who blog hop here.
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| yaw yaw lang sa ko ha... |
[ 07.22.08 - 7:18pm] |
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quiet storm |
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i know its been a while... i was caught up with so much work and gimiks and personal struggles.
daghan na kayog nahitabo na unta worth blogging for pero gikapoy man ko oi. i wanted to share those rendevouz i had with former flame pero kapoy ug samok na iistorya pa toh... sakit sa ulo ug labi na sakit sa dughan. giatay ra ah! sometimes i get myself puno na maxado with the treatment. ana gani ko sa ilaha (my dearest friends) na hulaton na lang nku na ako na mismo jud ang kamat-on sa kawalay klaro sa sitwasyon. damn me, nauntog na nga gusto pa jud usban... ambot!
nagchika na gani mi ni doc psych patrick gabii na i did talk to my self na last week about my insecurities eating me ug naenlighten naman nuon ko.. drama lang gud ko kron... nyahahaha well actually ang inyong nabasa sa taas char lang na.. buot ba d i kung ana akong intro. nyahaha =D
kidding aside, mao ko karon nakablog kay perteng kapuya sakong trabaho for almost 6 weeks or more. gaapas ko ug deadline.. one man show lang ni akoa lage man oi, gikapoy jud ko. ako pa ang tawagon kung magdaut-daut ilang database pero kung dili gani database-related perte ang backstabbing. perte jud! nways, ana lage ang akong psychologist, LIFE CYCLE. kapoy man doc patrick oi!
pero atleast dibah nakalimot ko for a split of second sa akoang problema. char lang... dili na lage hunahunaon oi... atay man gud ng mga flowering words bah. grabeh jud ang trials na gihatag sa akoa bah... kung siguro wala ko kasala ato nga gabii, ang akong dream guy karon could have been mine already. pero siguro test jud to ni God sakoa how patience am I going to be. pero kayahon ko bah na mapaabot ang time na he'll choose me towards the complications i felt we have. he's such a well-rounded person, man of responsibilities and honor (as in man of honor mo lang kaau, dli lang halata hehehe), i can talk to him anything under the sun, he makes me smile (kung si rose pa, 'you briighten my day, showing me my direction') char na pud. basta for me everything's in him lang, kaso dili lang siya akoa. sadness napud! i salute his work as in super bilib ko sa iyahang dedications. siguro kung mahitabo akoang dream na kunuhay kami daw, tapos ana japon ang scenario, i mean suportado jud naku xa all the way oi. siguro naay demands sa presence pero kung normal lang. my gosh, I LOVE HIM jud.. OMG! i'm really inlove na jud sa iyaha. my gosh! i need to refrain myself from loving him more diay pa.. daghan pa kau ug complications. dli pa pwde mahitabo man ang akong gusto and i need to wait for the right time na edirect mi ni God na we may be destined for each other.. my gosh kalami noh kung kami jud. he's tangkad, payat, brayt/inteligent/smart basta he's my guy! i want him to always be my inspiration. my golly oi nabuang na jud ko... akoa npud tolerate akoa self ani na bagay bah. *sigh*
tinuod jud d i ng ingon nila noh, usahay ang mga tao na unang muabot sa imuha nagkagusto sa imuha kaso dli nmo sila type... or katong gusto nmo dli pud ikaw ang type... mupaabot pa jud ka ug pila ka panahon hangtod muabot ang tama na tao na gigusto ka ug gigusto pud nimo. mao na ni run ang giatot... need to wait...
continue praying lang ko... i want to live a clean life already. much as possible no secret rendevouz sa siguro until magsabot sa dapat sabotan. hala baga ra ug nawong noh, magsadness mode jud ko tungod lang atong amawa toh... chaka na ang show! tse! hahahaha
im happy lang kasi i have friends and my doctor psychologist couselor ug uban pa na nagapagaan sa akoang burden. charmos! salamay au! 1 bucket lang bayad ha. =D mwaaaaahhhhhhhh i love you my friends!
muuli naku oi... ugma naku magworkmode sakit na akoang batok jud... hypertension na ni.. my golly! no more fats! badminton napud! =D
lavyah ol! and i love u my knight and shining armor! mwaah i wish i could really kiss you and spend another long hours until sunrise talk with you. i miss you! mwaaahhh
Godbless everyone!
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| how to deal with beloved friends? |
[ 06.20.08 - 4:59pm] |
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aka cassandra |
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supah exhausted!
went to my former office at GEM. my golly! plenty of things to catched up (sorta!) hehehe as always, michael's being so nosy of my visit asked cha what am i doing there. tsk tsk tsk michael talaga! anwyays, i missed my gem family actually. nice new office! hehehe though there were some of them i do not know but almost all of them were very amazed and accomodating to my visit. hehehe basta 'twas nice to be with them! :))
i had a long talk with jezel early morning (late in the evening her side) we talked about hermie's situation as i have shared to her things i learned from my visit last wednesday. of course the wedding and the attitude and everything aren't good in my own POV. but need to respect their decision, it their lives we're talking. ha? whatever! hehehe but what saddens me most is their idea of roselyn basing the guy's impression. i believe hermie should know better since they were friends since high school. i only knew roselyn late last year i think but i like her the way she is. i mean i respect that what she's doing/acting/showing what she really is. basta! kainis lang nakakapanggigil.. i dont wanna be blinded like this when i fall in love.. i love my friends more that's for sure!
talkin' bout rose, jezel texted her to remind of our supposed gimik next friday. imagine what she replied to jezel, 'nanluod daw siya skoa' huhuhu i think it's because of that gimik i had last friday with patrick. (i also asked help from patrick about rose..huhuhu) i was only invited never thought it will give an issue. huhuhu (that's why i wonder why she really didn't replied to any of my texts since friday last week) now, i called and texted her again what really is the thing... nagdrama jud! kiat lang! ginawa akong secretary, helping her booked her brother who's coming tomorrow. i hope everything's fine already. kanina, i was out going to gem, i was really having a heavy heart. i really don't like the feeling that someone i care feels bad about me. huhuhu i pray okay na ang drama ng gurlaloo..
basta, i'm so tired and wanted to sleep forevermore!!! i dont want to think, dont want to feel, dont want to exist ANYMORE!!!!
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| what else? |
[ 06.18.08 - 6:20pm] |
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just want to doodle something today!
last night i had dinner with voldemort, we talked all the non-sense things in our lives. 'twas nice talking to him actually. we laughed about what happened in the past. there was no bad impression on both sides that will create issues of any sort. 'twas just a simple talk nothing more nothing less and that's final. :)) and stop teasing me about my 'sir' okay! :))
i watched online streaming of nba's final game 6.. i'm so happy celtics won! voldemort wanted me to bet for just 50 bucks in games 4 and 5 but i did not. :)) so early in the morning he texted me to remind it's game 6 today. i was able to watched only the 2nd half. 131-92 for celtics! yebaahhhh
early morning, i received plenty of text messages (from my YM) "status: workmode" hahaha bad chikka!
today, since last day of my processing for my monthly report, im so preoccuppied with so many things! super! i'm so exhausted today but i'm still going to dimple's place to catched up on things in her "new life" hehehe
apart from my busy day, i'm DLing new music... i still can't find filipino bloggers who posts new opm music albums... :))
So after having a twisted mind/brain over this past few days, here it comes another challenge for me... now that i have partially accepted the message! i'm so punished! huhuhu i need enlightenment! i need guidance! ooooohhhh whatever!!!
got to go already!
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| i got the message, i'm trying to be fine! thank you. |
[ 06.17.08 - 11:08am] |
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tug-of-war drama mode |
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classical |
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i still don't know what happened to me in just a short time. one day i'm so thrilled then next i'm dismayed. i still don't really know... ooppsss come to think of it, actually, i think i know the reason, i'm just in denial because it pains me so much. ouch! psychology working on me, i know i know and i know and now i hate it! i'm so disappointed to be bragging about my feelings but who can blame me for having those/these emotions? it's a good thing i know how to keep my serenity despite having this heavy heart! though i wanted to shout and scream my heart out! conflicting bah maxado? basta tug-of-war drama mode ako
i have been bad i know that's why i'm being punished! last sunday during mass, i have been very attentive and focusing on the ceremony but all of a sudden i forgot some part of it! my mind's not working smoothly! i am really punished! i'm so ashamed of myself. this has never happened to me in the past! super sadness na ang soul ko!
anyhow, im still trying to see the lighter part of this whirlwind moments i'm having, i pray that i am able to see really. im blinded with bad moments pa. super sadness. huhuhu here's why i'm trying to read inspirational and motivational quotes and stories to help me understand life more. toink toink toink :)) :-D :->
"If there were ever a time to dare, to make a difference, to embark on something worth doing, it is now. Not for any grand cause, necessarily, but for something that tugs at your heart, something that's your aspiration, something that's your dream. You owe it to yourself to make your days here count. Have fun. Dig deep. Stretch. Dream big." - Macintosh computer ad
here's also a nice article that i know i heard from a friend sometime ago. i'd like to share it to everybody who reads this. :))
"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it is real, but only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.” Anonymous
Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than by the things you acquire.
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| it really ends tonight |
[ 06.16.08 - 4:31pm] |
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melancholy |
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after having a happy heart that only last for more than 2 weeks now i am back to being normal yet happy (na lang!) that's why when i read my Y! horoscope in my mailbox, i begin to appreciate life's spices. hehehe
Here is your horoscope for Monday, June 16:
Listen to your heart and try to do what it says today -- even if that makes life a little weird at work or with your friends. If you're true to yourself, everything else will line up correctly -- in time.
dunno why i become like this again... pero since i'm still optimistic kahit na super sadness na, i'm able to put a smile in my face.. a genuine smile if i may say that. i found myself again in a new abyss and i have to take myself up back to the plain. and i have to do it quick!
prayers and more more more more more prayers!
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| i think i'm in love? |
[ 06.10.08 - 2:01pm] |
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newsong - when god made you |
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i like the feeling because i am really over with voldemort! i don't like texting him anymore, though i still do, its for the friendship's sake only. :)
i find this guy nice to talk to kasi.. he's so informative and i learned new things from him. apart from this, i feel like we compliment each others life. when i was in zamboanga, he kept on telling me to keep away from going out since the place is known for here, there and everywhere bombings and last night he was kinda acting so concern. ehem. (bagag fez!) i mean, he knew already that i am used in coming home late at night then last night he told me not to do it anymore. Earlier, i was working overtime and my HS friends, John and Bebs, wanted to watch movie, so we watched Prince Caspian and had dinner. We went home past 10 already. And when he texted me to checked if i'm still awake, i told him that I'm still on my way home and that's it, he scolded me for coming home so late (not really my usual cinderella time, lol) he made me promised to not come home this late ever again. hehehe (*kilig+haba-ng-hair-effect*) lol
i still don't want to expect anything from this, since i know for a fact that everything is complicated. it's a little bit scary to think of again falling in love and failed in the end. though i am the best in optimism, i put some portion of this a little hope, that this might be the one God has prepared for me, the one i have been praying for though, it do need more prayers. :)
i am just so happy that, somehow/someway i am cared, if not loved, again. i pray this never ends!
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